Someone Said My Clothes Were Gay. I said “Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning.”
COMEDY TICKETS to top NYC SHOWS
HOW TO USE THIS RESOURCE: Click on the club name for view calendar of shows. Select the date and click on the time of show you wish to attend. Select the discounted ticket options in blue. Always call the club to get on their reservation list (Especially on Weekends). Arrive 30-minutes early for seating. Most clubs are general admission with first come / first serve seating. Some clubs may even give your seats away if you do not arrive on time. If you show up at show time, it is possible you will not be seated.
The Village Comedy Scene is full of college students, hipsters and the tourists that love them. GVCC is a small intimate club. There is not a bad seat in the house with just 70 to choose. Amazing comics every night of the week. ALWAYS ARRIVE EARLY. This club fills up fast and you don’t want to be crammed into the corners.
99 MACDOUGAL STREET
NEW YORK, NY 10014
Near West 4th Street Subway, Just south of Washington Square Park. Just north of Houston Street. Surrounded by Theaters, Restaurants and Bars for before and after show festivities.
Popular to both tourists and locals, the Broadway Comedy Club is just 1 block from the Colbert Show at 318 West 53rd Street, just west of 8th Avenue. They feature professional comedy every night of the week at 9 & 11pm. $20-25pp at the door. $5 ($10 Saturday shows) via NY COMEDY TICKETS. Most shows sell out so definitely arrive early. A few seats for late comers may have limited partial view of stage.
Broadway Comedy Club
318 West 53rd Street
New York NY 10019
Between 8th 9th Ave; Near all Columbus Circle & Times Square trains. Closest to A, C, E at 50th street; Short walk from dozens of top NYC hotels and 100s of restaurants in Theater District and Hells Kitchen.
Saturdays 8pm the laughs are non-stop when the cast of LMAO (a division of EIGHT IS NEVER ENOUGH) takes the stage. 4-5 comics create original music and skits on the spot using topics provided by the audience. No two shows are ever the same. Many of you may end up on stage as part of the action so COME BE A PART OF THE SHOW!!!
What is ON THE SPOT? Top NYC singer break out into song with some of the best cabaret in town. After each selection, Improv players from the cast of LMAO break into scenes based on the previous music’s title, theme, and lyrics. By end result is an original musical comedy the cast ties together with a big closing number.
The schedule varies, the teams rotate, the shows are never the same, but these early bird comedy shows always deliver. Usually featuring long-form improv comedy (entire shows based on a single suggestion), the happy hour showcases feel like off-off Broadway’s best 1-act and short play festivals, but with better writing. Some shows will feature guest comics and musical acts. Check the calendar for full schedule.
Saturdays 3pm are not just for kids. These shows are the all ages version of LMAO. “4 Kids” is just to let you know it is OK to bring yours.
The cast gets suggestions from the kids to create original songs and skits. Many children – and a few parents – will get on stage to interact with the pros.
Valentines Day is here!!!
What are you getting your special loved one this weekend?
ALABAMA: Lord Byron (poetry).
– Not Donald Trump Rallies?
ALASKA: flower delivery.
– Sorry Sarah Palin, no Caribou.
ARIZONA: cubic zirconia rings, Jacquie Lawson cards.
– Nothing but the BEST fake shit on Valentines Day for John McCain’s home state.
ARKANSAS: romance novels, Zale’s jewelry.
– Bill Clinton has a lasting Impression.
CALIFORNIA: gold, cubic zirconia jewelry, couples pajamas, heart-shaped sunglasses, bondage kit.
– Guessing the dense population of Hollywood got that later on the list.
COLORADO: platinum rings, fondue, dance lessons, couples yoga, aphrodisiac foods.
– aphrodisiac foods now includes POT BROWNIES?
CONNECTICUT: Edible Arrangements, smoking jacket.
– HA HA Cause EA is from CT, but those Fuckers in Bridgeport thought they were getting Edible Panties.
DELAWARE: gift card.
– for a state w/o taxes, I would expect better.
FLORIDA: Pandora jewelry, Barry White songs.
– Of course on the Pan Handle, Sister just wants the company.
GEORGIA: satin pajamas, couples outfits.
– Satin and BBQ go well together.
HAWAII: flower, platinum, pearls, pearl jewelry, Tahitian pearls, romantic comedy (movie genre), couples massage, tandem kayak.
– Don Ho records finally out of fashion?
IDAHO: Adam & Eve (the online store, not the Adam & Eve from the Bible).
– But for most they just use a big potato
ILLINOIS: chocolate fondue.
– Can’t mock that. I’m down!
INDIANA: romantic gifts, romantic getaway, couples vacation, mood music.
– Mood Music liek “ON THE ROAD AGAIN” to get the fuck out of IN.
IOWA: tandem bicycle.
– ANYTHING BUT CORN!!! In Des Moines the Tandem Unicycle is most popular.
KANSAS: Helzberg Diamonds, Valentine’s recipes.
– Just don’t put diamond in Valentines Day recipe and then forget to tell her and she eats it and you have to wait till… you get the picture
KENTUCKY: couples tattoos, 50 Shades of Grey (novel), 50 Shades of Grey (film), songs to ____ to, roses, porn for couples.
– CLEARLY BLUE GRASS makes folks HORNY AS FUCK!
LOUISIANA: jewelry, men’s jewelry (tie w/ Oklahoma), pearl earrings, adult sex toys, oysters, silk sheets, cheesecake.
– And of course lots of Mardi Gras Beads.
MAINE: lobster, lobster recipe, Maidenform, Robert Burns (poetry).
– SERIOUSLY? You can have Lobster any day in Maine!
MARYLAND: ProFlowers (company), couples activities, Valentine’s Day dinner, Sade (band), Sears portraits.
– My home state never settles for amateur flowers.
MASSACHUSETTS: couples cooking class
– SO BOSTON!
MICHIGAN: ballroom dancing lessons.
– or just more bottles of water if you are in Flint.
MINNESOTA: silk boxers.
– Almost died in Minnesota. NOTHING there I would want to see in SILK BOXERS.
MISSISSIPPI: pearl necklace, cheap jewelry, cheap lingerie, men’s cologne, mixtape.
– PEARL NECKLACE is Sister’s Fave?
MISSOURI: Hallmark cards, couples resort, vejazzling.
– ONLY IN BIG MO! Bedazzling the Vajayjay sounds painful for the guy, right?
MONTANA: silver, lobster tails.
– See, Maine, in Montana a little red tail is special.
NEBRASKA: Helzberg jewelry.
– Again, ANYTHING BUT CORN!
NEVADA: Frederick’s of Hollywood, corset, Boyz II Men, adult onesie, sexy costume.
– What ever looks great at the casino bar at 8am drinks and breakfast and video poker.
NEW HAMPSHIRE: stuffed animal.
– BONUS points for stuffing your own road kill. GUESS WHAT’s FOR DINNER?
NEW JERSEY: long-stem roses, box of chocolate, chocolate gift, romantic movies, gift basket, wine gift basket.
– Anything to make the place NOT smell like Jersey! (Or drink to point of not caring)
NEW MEXICO: hickey.
– Ah only 13 year olds celebrate in NM.
NEW YORK: 1-800-FLOWERS, earrings, chocolate baskets, Harlequin books, wine delivery, couples spa package, Victoria’s Secret, champagne, silk pajamas, candygram, romantic motel, perfume, romantic restaurants, mink coat.
– It’s two states. Upstate and NYC. Which do you think each matches?
NORTH CAROLINA: sterling silver jewelry.
– Strangely short list considering the diversity of NC. Raleigh and the Mountains on the Same Page.
NORTH DAKOTA: gifts for him.
– North Dakota Men are just not the giving types.
OHIO: Pandora bracelet, romantic getaways.
– Some love danish jewelry. Some just give a danish.
OKLAHOMA: boudoir photography, boudoir photos.
– AKA Nude Selfies?
OREGON: poetry, romance novel, romance movies.
– AH! Just want to hug trees and my lover!
PENNSYLVANIA: edible underwear, Hershey’s Kisses.
– Combine the two and we have a real party!
RHODE ISLAND: Pandora charms, charm bracelet.
– FYI Charming = Small if you ever are apartment shopping.
SOUTH CAROLINA: matching outfits, how to be romantic.
– HOW TO BE ROMANTIC? Don’t wear matching outfits unless it’s Halloween! (Gay Men in Tuxes excluded from this mockery)
SOUTH DAKOTA: Romeo and Juliet, JCPenney portraits.
– “Hey honey, it’s the most romantic story EVER” She says as she hands you the dagger and open vial from around her neck…
TENNESSEE: cheap sex toys.
– you know that ones that just rip your vajayjay to shreads!
TEXAS: discount sex toys, plus-size lingerie.
– Cause – do I have to say it – OK Everything’s bigger in Texas. BUT AGAIN we should all avoid some things when they are on discount.
UTAH: couples games.
– Also Triple, Quadruple etc Games.
VERMONT: chocolate, romantic movies.
– GO BERNIE!!!
VIRGINIA: Kama Sutra.
– Cause they are so repressed the rest of the year!
WASHINGTON: bear skin rug.
– AND Sheepskin Condoms? Wait that would be more…
WEST VIRGINIA: handcuffs.
– not for sex, but for when your brother gets too rough/drunk.
WISCONSIN: teddy bear, fur coat.
– BOTH Made from real bears
WYOMING: mail-order bride
– Hey honey, I got you something…
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.
The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’
The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’
The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
‘They will in a minute.’
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to ‘honour’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?’
Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
‘Mummy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?’
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher,
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’
‘Yes,’ the class said.
‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’
A little fellow shouted, ‘Cause your feet ain’t empty.’
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
‘Take only ONE . God is watching.’
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’