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Valentines Day Gift Map of the United States

Valentine's Day

Valentines Day Gift Map of the United States

Valentines Day is here!!!

What are you getting your special loved one this weekend?

Valentines Day

In NYC This Weekend?
Catch LMAO Valentine’s Day Show
CLICK HERE for discount tickets
MORE INFO at www.8improv.com

 

ALABAMA: Lord Byron (poetry).
– Not Donald Trump Rallies?Valentines Day

ALASKA: flower delivery.
– Sorry Sarah Palin, no Caribou.

ARIZONA: cubic zirconia rings, Jacquie Lawson cards.
– Nothing but the BEST fake shit on Valentines Day for John McCain’s home state.

ARKANSAS: romance novels, Zale’s jewelry.
Bill Clinton has a lasting Impression.

CALIFORNIA: gold, cubic zirconia jewelry, couples pajamas, heart-shaped sunglasses, bondage kit.
Guessing the dense population of Hollywood got that later on the list.

COLORADO: platinum rings, fondue, dance lessons, couples yoga, aphrodisiac foods.
– aphrodisiac foods now includes POT BROWNIES?

CONNECTICUT: Edible Arrangements, smoking jacket.
HA HA Cause EA is from CT, but those Fuckers in Bridgeport thought they were getting Edible Panties.

DELAWARE: gift card.
for a state w/o taxes, I would expect better. 

FLORIDA: Pandora jewelry, Barry White songs.
Of course on the Pan Handle, Sister just wants the company.

GEORGIA: satin pajamas, couples outfits.
Satin and BBQ go well together.

HAWAII: flower, platinum, pearls, pearl jewelry, Tahitian pearls, romantic comedy (movie genre), couples massage, tandem kayak.
– Don Ho records finally out of fashion?

Shop Sex Toys

Idaho likes Adam & Eve’s finest?

IDAHO: Adam & Eve (the online store, not the Adam & Eve from the Bible).
– But for most they just use a big potato

ILLINOIS: chocolate fondue.
– Can’t mock that. I’m down!

INDIANA: romantic gifts, romantic getaway, couples vacation, mood music.
– Mood Music liek “ON THE ROAD AGAIN” to get the fuck out of IN.

IOWA: tandem bicycle.
– ANYTHING BUT CORN!!! In Des Moines the Tandem Unicycle is most popular.

KANSAS: Helzberg Diamonds, Valentine’s recipes.
– Just don’t put diamond in Valentines Day recipe and then forget to tell her and she eats it and you have to wait till… you get the picture

KENTUCKY: couples tattoos, 50 Shades of Grey (novel), 50 Shades of Grey (film), songs to ____ to, roses, porn for couples.
– CLEARLY BLUE GRASS makes folks HORNY AS FUCK!

LOUISIANA: jewelry, men’s jewelry (tie w/ Oklahoma), pearl earrings, adult sex toys, oysters, silk sheets, cheesecake.
– And of course lots of Mardi Gras Beads.

MAINE: lobster, lobster recipe, Maidenform, Robert Burns (poetry).
– SERIOUSLY? You can have Lobster any day in Maine!

MARYLAND: ProFlowers (company), couples activities, Valentine’s Day dinner, Sade (band), Sears portraits.
– My home state never settles for amateur flowers.

MASSACHUSETTS: couples cooking class
– SO BOSTON!

MICHIGAN: ballroom dancing lessons.
– or just more bottles of water if you are in Flint.

MINNESOTA: silk boxers.
– Almost died in Minnesota. NOTHING there I would want to see in SILK BOXERS.

MISSISSIPPI: pearl necklace, cheap jewelry, cheap lingerie, men’s cologne, mixtape.
– PEARL NECKLACE is Sister’s Fave?

MISSOURI: Hallmark cards, couples resort, vejazzling.
– ONLY IN BIG MO! Bedazzling the Vajayjay sounds painful for the guy, right?

MONTANA: silver, lobster tails.
– See, Maine, in Montana a little red tail is special.

NEBRASKA: Helzberg jewelry.
– Again, ANYTHING BUT CORN!

NEVADA: Frederick’s of Hollywood, corset, Boyz II Men, adult onesie, sexy costume.
– What ever looks great at the casino bar at 8am drinks and breakfast and video poker.

NEW HAMPSHIRE: stuffed animal.
– BONUS points for stuffing your own road kill. GUESS WHAT’s FOR DINNER?

NEW JERSEY: long-stem roses, box of chocolate, chocolate gift, romantic movies, gift basket, wine gift basket.
– Anything to make the place NOT smell like Jersey! (Or drink to point of not caring)

NEW MEXICO: hickey.
– Ah only 13 year olds celebrate in NM.

NEW YORK: 1-800-FLOWERS, earrings, chocolate baskets, Harlequin books, wine delivery, couples spa package, Victoria’s Secret, champagne, silk pajamas, candygram, romantic motel, perfume, romantic restaurants, mink coat.
– It’s two states. Upstate and NYC. Which do you think each matches?

NORTH CAROLINA: sterling silver jewelry.
– Strangely short list considering the diversity of NC. Raleigh and the Mountains on the Same Page. 

NORTH DAKOTA: gifts for him.
– North Dakota Men are just not the giving types.

OHIO: Pandora bracelet, romantic getaways.
– Some love danish jewelry. Some just give a danish.

OKLAHOMA:  boudoir photography, boudoir photos.
– AKA Nude Selfies?

OREGON: poetry, romance novel, romance movies.
– AH! Just want to hug trees and my lover!

PENNSYLVANIA: edible underwear, Hershey’s Kisses.
– Combine the two and we have a real party!

RHODE ISLAND: Pandora charms, charm bracelet.
– FYI Charming = Small if you ever are apartment shopping.

SOUTH CAROLINA: matching outfits, how to be romantic.
– HOW TO BE ROMANTIC? Don’t wear matching outfits unless it’s Halloween! (Gay Men in Tuxes excluded from this mockery)

SOUTH DAKOTA: Romeo and Juliet, JCPenney portraits.
– “Hey  honey, it’s the most romantic story EVER” She says as she hands you the dagger and open vial from around her neck…

TENNESSEE: cheap sex toys.
– you know that ones that just rip your vajayjay to shreads!

TEXAS: discount sex toys, plus-size lingerie.
– Cause – do I have to say it – OK Everything’s bigger in Texas. BUT AGAIN we should all avoid some things when they are on discount.

UTAH: couples games.
– Also Triple, Quadruple etc Games.

Kama Sutra

Well HELLO Virginia!

VERMONT: chocolate, romantic movies.
– GO BERNIE!!!

VIRGINIA: Kama Sutra.
– Cause they are so repressed the rest of the year!

WASHINGTON: bear skin rug.
– AND Sheepskin Condoms? Wait that would be more… 

WEST VIRGINIA: handcuffs.
– not for sex, but for when your brother gets too rough/drunk.

WISCONSIN: teddy bear, fur coat.
– BOTH Made from real bears

WYOMING:  mail-order bride
– Hey honey, I got you something…

JOY TO THE WORLD

Star Wars Men in Black crossover?

Blow up dolls for Pussy Cats

Old Age Happens

Elf on the Shelf meets the Dark Side of the Force

when physicists fail at chemistry

Painful reality of growing up?

Kids asking for more Frozen crap this year?