Valentines Day Gift Map of the United States
Valentines Day is here!!!
What are you getting your special loved one this weekend?
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ALABAMA: Lord Byron (poetry).
– Not Donald Trump Rallies?
ALASKA: flower delivery.
– Sorry Sarah Palin, no Caribou.
ARIZONA: cubic zirconia rings, Jacquie Lawson cards.
– Nothing but the BEST fake shit on Valentines Day for John McCain’s home state.
ARKANSAS: romance novels, Zale’s jewelry.
– Bill Clinton has a lasting Impression.
CALIFORNIA: gold, cubic zirconia jewelry, couples pajamas, heart-shaped sunglasses, bondage kit.
– Guessing the dense population of Hollywood got that later on the list.
COLORADO: platinum rings, fondue, dance lessons, couples yoga, aphrodisiac foods.
– aphrodisiac foods now includes POT BROWNIES?
CONNECTICUT: Edible Arrangements, smoking jacket.
– HA HA Cause EA is from CT, but those Fuckers in Bridgeport thought they were getting Edible Panties.
DELAWARE: gift card.
– for a state w/o taxes, I would expect better.
FLORIDA: Pandora jewelry, Barry White songs.
– Of course on the Pan Handle, Sister just wants the company.
GEORGIA: satin pajamas, couples outfits.
– Satin and BBQ go well together.
HAWAII: flower, platinum, pearls, pearl jewelry, Tahitian pearls, romantic comedy (movie genre), couples massage, tandem kayak.
– Don Ho records finally out of fashion?
IDAHO: Adam & Eve (the online store, not the Adam & Eve from the Bible).
– But for most they just use a big potato
ILLINOIS: chocolate fondue.
– Can’t mock that. I’m down!
INDIANA: romantic gifts, romantic getaway, couples vacation, mood music.
– Mood Music liek “ON THE ROAD AGAIN” to get the fuck out of IN.
IOWA: tandem bicycle.
– ANYTHING BUT CORN!!! In Des Moines the Tandem Unicycle is most popular.
KANSAS: Helzberg Diamonds, Valentine’s recipes.
– Just don’t put diamond in Valentines Day recipe and then forget to tell her and she eats it and you have to wait till… you get the picture
KENTUCKY: couples tattoos, 50 Shades of Grey (novel), 50 Shades of Grey (film), songs to ____ to, roses, porn for couples.
– CLEARLY BLUE GRASS makes folks HORNY AS FUCK!
LOUISIANA: jewelry, men’s jewelry (tie w/ Oklahoma), pearl earrings, adult sex toys, oysters, silk sheets, cheesecake.
– And of course lots of Mardi Gras Beads.
MAINE: lobster, lobster recipe, Maidenform, Robert Burns (poetry).
– SERIOUSLY? You can have Lobster any day in Maine!
MARYLAND: ProFlowers (company), couples activities, Valentine’s Day dinner, Sade (band), Sears portraits.
– My home state never settles for amateur flowers.
MASSACHUSETTS: couples cooking class
– SO BOSTON!
MICHIGAN: ballroom dancing lessons.
– or just more bottles of water if you are in Flint.
MINNESOTA: silk boxers.
– Almost died in Minnesota. NOTHING there I would want to see in SILK BOXERS.
MISSISSIPPI: pearl necklace, cheap jewelry, cheap lingerie, men’s cologne, mixtape.
– PEARL NECKLACE is Sister’s Fave?
MISSOURI: Hallmark cards, couples resort, vejazzling.
– ONLY IN BIG MO! Bedazzling the Vajayjay sounds painful for the guy, right?
MONTANA: silver, lobster tails.
– See, Maine, in Montana a little red tail is special.
NEBRASKA: Helzberg jewelry.
– Again, ANYTHING BUT CORN!
NEVADA: Frederick’s of Hollywood, corset, Boyz II Men, adult onesie, sexy costume.
– What ever looks great at the casino bar at 8am drinks and breakfast and video poker.
NEW HAMPSHIRE: stuffed animal.
– BONUS points for stuffing your own road kill. GUESS WHAT’s FOR DINNER?
NEW JERSEY: long-stem roses, box of chocolate, chocolate gift, romantic movies, gift basket, wine gift basket.
– Anything to make the place NOT smell like Jersey! (Or drink to point of not caring)
NEW MEXICO: hickey.
– Ah only 13 year olds celebrate in NM.
NEW YORK: 1-800-FLOWERS, earrings, chocolate baskets, Harlequin books, wine delivery, couples spa package, Victoria’s Secret, champagne, silk pajamas, candygram, romantic motel, perfume, romantic restaurants, mink coat.
– It’s two states. Upstate and NYC. Which do you think each matches?
NORTH CAROLINA: sterling silver jewelry.
– Strangely short list considering the diversity of NC. Raleigh and the Mountains on the Same Page.
NORTH DAKOTA: gifts for him.
– North Dakota Men are just not the giving types.
OHIO: Pandora bracelet, romantic getaways.
– Some love danish jewelry. Some just give a danish.
OKLAHOMA: boudoir photography, boudoir photos.
– AKA Nude Selfies?
OREGON: poetry, romance novel, romance movies.
– AH! Just want to hug trees and my lover!
PENNSYLVANIA: edible underwear, Hershey’s Kisses.
– Combine the two and we have a real party!
RHODE ISLAND: Pandora charms, charm bracelet.
– FYI Charming = Small if you ever are apartment shopping.
SOUTH CAROLINA: matching outfits, how to be romantic.
– HOW TO BE ROMANTIC? Don’t wear matching outfits unless it’s Halloween! (Gay Men in Tuxes excluded from this mockery)
SOUTH DAKOTA: Romeo and Juliet, JCPenney portraits.
– “Hey honey, it’s the most romantic story EVER” She says as she hands you the dagger and open vial from around her neck…
TENNESSEE: cheap sex toys.
– you know that ones that just rip your vajayjay to shreads!
TEXAS: discount sex toys, plus-size lingerie.
– Cause – do I have to say it – OK Everything’s bigger in Texas. BUT AGAIN we should all avoid some things when they are on discount.
UTAH: couples games.
– Also Triple, Quadruple etc Games.
VERMONT: chocolate, romantic movies.
– GO BERNIE!!!
VIRGINIA: Kama Sutra.
– Cause they are so repressed the rest of the year!
WASHINGTON: bear skin rug.
– AND Sheepskin Condoms? Wait that would be more…
WEST VIRGINIA: handcuffs.
– not for sex, but for when your brother gets too rough/drunk.
WISCONSIN: teddy bear, fur coat.
– BOTH Made from real bears
WYOMING: mail-order bride
– Hey honey, I got you something…